The top five bumper stickers that bum me out
In a car, we’re a captive audience. This is probably because driving requires the use of our eyeballs, so we end up looking at a lot of bumper stickers. This is how we become acutely aware that the person in the red Subaru is really passionate about kale.
Ultimately, I’m fine with someone trying to amplify my kale consumption. But a small piece of vinyl on a car’s rear-end is a pretty poor way to get that idea across. The issue here is the venue—a bumper does little to add impact to the statement it carries. This means bumper stickers are almost always a net negative. By that I mean, you’re far more likely to think less of someone upon seeing their bumper sticker than you are to think “what insightful commentary!” Here are the five worst offenders:
5. Calvin Urinating on Stuff
Since when does Calvin have a reputation for peeing on things? Last I checked, he’s an imaginative kid who reminds us to look at the world with child-like wonder–not some Chevy Racing fan relieving himself on a Ford logo.
4. My Child is an Honor Student at…
Yes, intelligent children are wonderful—they’ll probably build moon colonies and re-invent the raisin or something—but does any kid want their parents to have that bumper sticker? It’s humiliating. Why would anyone driving behind you ever care about this?
3. COEXIST
I get it, we should all live in harmony because murder and bigotry are horrible. But if you’re serious about promoting peace and hugs, a sticker on your car’s butt shouldn’t be the sum of your efforts. Because I’ve never stopped behind a car, noticed a COEXIST sticker, and thought: “Yes, I should be more tolerant. Thank you fellow citizen for re-invigorating my peaceful spirit.” Instead, I push it out of my mind and focus on the task at hand, which is driving.
2. Kill Your TV
No. I won’t. Kill the paint on your bumper. Oh wait, you already did.
1. Family Diagrams
These are the stick figure families attached to the rear windows of every parent’s minivan or SUV who wants to tell the world that they’ve successfully procreated. (Congrats, by the way.) Which is completely useless information for anyone ever caught behind you in traffic. Plus, think about how confusing this becomes when you inevitably get divorced for having bad taste in bumper stickers.
So, the next time you find yourself planning some adhesive-based advocacy, take a minute to think if your bumper is a good medium for the message. Because highways and side streets most likely aren’t the best places to air your opinions or grievances.
