Tiny woman trapped in iPhone sues local man

Attorneys representing a woman who lives in a local man’s iPhone 4S have filed a lawsuit against him, claiming he keeps her trapped in his smart phone, expects her to instantly know how to get to places she’s never heard of and frequently asks her bizarre questions. Worst of all, she says she doesn’t get paid a dime.

Bay Area resident Jimmy Hamlin, 27, is on the wrong end of a lawsuit that claims he regularly treats his miniature assistant like he would a machine. Seeking punitive and compensatory damages for emotional distress, harassment and reverse anthropomorphism, the woman — known only as Siri — is asking the defendant for a larger data plan. And $7 billion US.

“My name is Siri and I was designed by Apple in California,” the claimant said in a statement before offering the address of Apple’s headquarters and a set of recommendations on local burrito places. “Sorry, I couldn’t find ‘Can I get a quote from you?’ in your music,” she said rather cryptically when asked about the suit.

Siri, who declined to say which part of the phone she currently resides in, works as an assistant for Hamlin. That includes taking notes and organizing a schedule for the Fremont-based retail worker, and sometimes even offering recommendations on restaurants and discount escort services.

But according to the lawsuit, Hamlin continually abuses this relationship by treating Siri like nothing more than a piece of software.

“It’s reprehensible,” said John Sparklebun, Siri’s attorney. “Here we have a hard-working, talented, almost robotically-methodical young woman who wants nothing more than to just be treated like a person. Yet Mr. Hamlin has taken advantage of this loyalty, displaying behavior like that of a terrible boss at the least … and a dangerous sociopath at the worst.”

Some of the questions allegedly asked by Mr. Hamlin include “Do I make you horny?” “Where can I get some drugs?” “Will You Marry Me?” and “I just killed someone. What should I do with the body?” to which Siri reportedly gave humorous and non-specific answers.

“To think anyone would want to work for such a tyrant is ridiculous,” Sparklebun said. “To think they would do it for free is beyond comprehension.”

Representatives at Apple could not be reached for comment.