Say Croissant

9am. Café. Glass case. A croissant, its buttery, flaky texture a siren call to your empty stomach. A twinge of nostalgia tugs at your heartstrings. Or is that indigestion?

“I would like a…”

How are you going to say croissant? You could go with a crisp, hard C. You could start from the back of your throat. You’ll need to decide whether to pronounce that final T, too.

We have you covered, thanks to some quick calculus. The lower the score, the more American. Go higher, ratchet up the French. Bonne chance.

* * *

WHERE ARE YOU?
a. Paris. The year is 1928. (+2)
b. A large, multicultural, urban center. (+1)
c. In a town known for having the world’s largest ____. (+0)

HOW MUCH FRENCH DO YOU KNOW?
a. Bien sur, je parle français couramment. (+2)
b. Un peu. (+1)
c. Voolay-voo cooshay avec moi? (+0)

HOW PROUD ARE YOU THAT YOU SPENT TIME IN PARIS?
a. My hoodie says “Université de Paris.” (+2)
b. I can’t let my parent’s money go to waste. (+1)
c. I thought this was America. (-0)

WHAT’S THE PERSON BEHIND THE COUNTER DOING?
a. She’s smoking a cigarette and drinking wine. (+2)
b. He just looks bored. (+1)
c. She called me darlin’. (+0)

HOW MANY MARINIÈRE DO YOU SEE?
a. None. They’re passé. (+2)
b. Those are the sailor shirts, right? (+1)
c. Huh? (+0)

Tally your results and pronounce thusly:

0: Crescent roll
You’ll want to use this in American towns of fewer than 5,000, also known as “casserole country.”

1-4: Google Translate’s English pronunciation (click the speaker on the left)
Great for anywhere people manicure their lawns and play slow pitch softball.

5-7: Google Search’s English pronunciation (again, the speaker)
The first touch of French pronunciation creeps in. Best suited to the centers of large English-speaking cities. Also great for giving your parents a bit of return on their investment.

8-10: Google Translate’s French pronunciation (click the speaker on the right)
For use in French-speaking countries or for tricking people into thinking you’re a douche.