Unsightly Staines? U.K. Town Needs an Ali G Remover

The British town of Staines has a problem with its name. But it’s not quite what you would expect.

About 15 miles southwest of London, on the banks of the river Thames, lies a place that sounds like it manufactures soiled britches. But the funny thing about the people of Staines is that they’re actually proud of the name. They just don’t like who uses it.

Ali G, comedian Sacha Baron Cohen’s fictional wannabe gangsta, calls the London suburb his birthplace. And now, despite the fact that Cohen has retired the character and that no one remembers his back story, Staines is fed up with the association and is considering drastic measures in order to distance itself from him. Local business leaders say a name change would entice developers to come and build in the area. Critics, however, have said the suggestion is pure “pretentious nonsense.”

So what do they want to call it? Staines-on-Thames.

In other words, the same thing … but with an extra dash of humorlessness thrown in. Not only would they keep the sullied word, but they would force it into a half-rhyme that makes it sound like they’re dumping sewage into England’s most famous waterway.

Ironically, it’s exactly the kind of thing Sacha Baron Cohen would make fun of. Along with flamboyant Austrian fashion reporter Brüno and the hopelessly inept Kazakh journalist Borat, Ali G is one-third of the comedian’s famous trio of characters. If he’s unfamiliar to you, Ali G is a middle-class white guy from the suburbs who thinks of himself as an inner-city gang member. He’s crude and hilariously ignorant. During his appearances, the character would convince celebrities, politicians and everyone in between that he was genuine, often leaving them red-faced by his ridiculous questions and stereotypes. For example, he once asked a professor of gender research if she thought it was alright if girls experimented in “feminism” with each other if they were drunk at parties.

So with a name as satire-ready as Staines, Ali G had a go-to butt for his hometown hood jokes. Claiming that he was part of the gang “West Staines Massif,” he would boast that the commuter town’s main attractions were a KFC and a traffic circle. He learned to be a street-wise “voice of da youf” in the Staines’ “ghetto,” which is funny because that’s exactly what it is not.

It’s a joke. If the people of Staines change their town’s name because they’re getting made fun of, it just lets everyone know that it gets to them. Just like when that bully in second grade called Ian, “Pee In” until he cried and actually pissed in his pants. Bullies love nothing more than to see they’re getting under your skin.

So to the people of Staines: take it easy. Don’t change a name that’s existed for a thousand years because you’re getting made fun of by a guy in a yellow jumpsuit.