Parlez-Vous Facebook? Not anymore

Facebook and France just unfriended each other.

The land of liberté has officially banned radio and television broadcasters from mentioning Facebook and Twitter on air, dooming newscasters to henceforth describe the popular social media sites in the most cliched way possible — as “popular social media sites.”

So what does France have against les tweets? Nothing, says Christine Kelly, spokesperson for the Conseil Superieur de l’Audiovisuel (CSA), the country’s broadcasting authority. They just want to stick up for the little guys.

“Why give preference to Facebook, which is worth billions of dollars, when there are other social networks that are struggling for recognition?” Kelly said.

Anchors will be allowed to mention the companies only if they are in the actual news story. But if they want to suggest viewers continue the dialogue by following them on Twitter or liking them on Facebook, newscasters will have to find another way to self-promote. Considering the prohibition’s vague outline, “Go to that website where your response is limited to 140 characters” should do the trick.

The real silly part, however, is they probably won’t even have to do that. Facebook and Twitter already have a corner on the social network market, and even if you’re not on them, you’d have to be living on an 18th century goat cheese farm in the Alps to have not heard of them. The French government would only be censoring what everyone already knows — which is akin to bleeping out an actor while he clearly mouths “sssshit.”

“Kafkaesque” has been a good way to describe French bureaucracy as of late. In 2003, France’s Culture Ministry outlawed the use of the word “email” in all government documents and publications, and the recent regulations only make the country’s media laws look that much more bizarre and labyrinthine.

Of course, the only thing the French hate more than the transformation or modernization of their language is the unceasing threat of American/Anglo culture upon their shores. It’s always cheeseburgers versus croissants with them. Comedians against mimes. Facebook versus … what, MoiSpace?

Banning the words also sets a precedent that threatens to genericize any brands that are mentioned by the state. Pretty soon you’ll get travel brochures that refuse to mention Paris or Orangina because smaller cities and soft drinks deserve a chance too — “Come to a city in our country to taste our liquids and eat food from a region. Have a time.”

In general though, this is one of the reasons a lot of Americans find France so flimsy and foppish. Facebook is at the top for a reason, Uncle Sam says, so it should be allowed to reap the benefits of its hard work. Banning the recognition of success is a far worse crime than hurting the feelings of a failed start-up with (literally and digitally) no friends.

So enjoy your favorite broadcaster’s god-given American right to pester you with follow requests… and just be thankful you don’t live in a place where they care too much about other people’s feelings. Oh, and make sure to check us out on Twitter and Facebook. It’s the only real way to celebrate your patriotism.