Pandas, giraffes and magic dragons: animal names for those OTHER San Francisco Giants
The San Francisco Giants need help. Falling fast in the National League West and trailing in the Wild Card race, the 2010 World Series Champions could use a serious boost if they want to make the playoffs this year.
That’s why it’s time to call upon Mother Nature.
For too long now fans have been forced to limit their animalistic nicknames to the big dogs — Pablo “Kung Fu Panda” Sandoval, named for his weird mixture of cuddliness and bat-chewing ferocity; Brandon “Baby Giraffe” Belt, for the rookie’s long neck and the cute way he stoops at water holes. But it’s obvious that the rest of the team is going to have to embrace its inner beast if it wants to make it to October.
Here’s how they do it.
Aubrey Huff The Magic Dragon
Let’s get weird indeed. Huff, the man who famously sported a red thong on the Giants’ path to the World Series, should count the magical dragon from Honalee as his totem animal. Not only does he breathe fire and get along with children, but the pot-inspired (according to legend) folk song character would also fit in well with San Francisco’s, um, “higher” sensibilities.
Matt “Alpaca” Cain
Not “Cain is Able” or “Sugar Cain” or “NovoCaine” or “Cain You Smell What The Pitcher Is Cooking?” but Matt “Alpaca” Cain, for his wooly mop top and the vicious way he spits fastballs at hitters.
Aside from having salivation problems and bad manners, alpaca are also known for growing fur that can be made into delightfully comfortable sweaters and hats. I’m already envisioning the majesty of a stadium full of shaggy Matt Cain alpaca caps.
Eli “Goat-Man” Whiteside
A walking Just For Men commercial since he was in high school, Eli Whiteside has the frosty curls of a mythical Greek satyr. Except instead of prancing through the wood side with his flute, Whiteside prances behind home plate with an attitude that’s just as fabled.
Guillermo “Wombat” Mota
Sure, it’s not the most flattering comparison, but this isn’t about looks. It’s about sheer scrappiness. The wombat has “sharp teeth and powerful jaws that can inflict severe wounds” and is renowned for its incredible burrowing abilities, perfect for tunneling past a batter and chewing the legs out from under him.
Otherwise, considering the fact that his last name is slang for marijuana in Spanish, Mota could just be a giant pot leaf, forcing hitters into cottonmouth and spontaneous trips to AMPM. Then at least he would fit in with Huff the Magic Dragon.
Buster “Piglet” Posey
Intimidating AND potentially lucrative. While Posey has always had a strange pink tone to him, it’s his humility, shyness (except when standing in front of Scott Cousins of course) and slight trace of having a hidden reservoir of psychotic rage that makes him soul-mates with the little pig from Hundred Acre Wood.
Sergio “Tarantula” Romo
Hairy, carnivorous and predatory, Sergio Romo deals fanged fastballs with arachnid lethality. He even has a web in his glove. The tarantula, while usually more bark than bite, overpowers prey then sprays digestive juices on them before sucking out their insides. Plus they sometimes have cool beards.
Other notable Giant animals include Tim “Mustang” Lincecum, Bruce “Woodchuck” Bochy, Ramon “Ocelot” Ramirez, Madison “Dingo” Bumgarner and Brian “Himself” Wilson.
Of course, if the San Francisco Giants don’t figure out how to get in touch with their wild side soon, none of these new nicknames will matter and they will disappoint all the bandwagon fans who hopped aboard because of the team’s attitude and weird facial hair. Then the Giants will take on a much less flattering animal persona: roadkill.
Good luck selling that as a hat.
