The only good bug is a dead bug
They scurry in your walls and lurk between your sheets. They bite, sting, hiss and squeak, carving holes and grossing out guests. They’re pests. But more importantly, they’re intruders — and for that they deserve to be annihilated.
So how do you go about ridding yourself of these vermin? Do you attack with your own weaponry, say, a can of Hot Shot and a heavy heel? Or do you call in the big guns, the professionals with serious bug-killing experience? Whichever you choose, your options want you to know how well they do the job. Because in the bug-killing business, efficiency is everything.
More precisely, efficiency is ruthlessness. Effective product names for insecticides, like Raid, Onslaught, and Terminix, connote viciousness and speed. They sound like black-metal bands because they hit hard and fast. It’s as if they’re so powerful you just need to press the nozzle and a swat team of death will come breaking down rodent doors. Which is, in fact, all you need to do. Take for example the Exocutor Insect-A-Kill Ultraviolet Fly Zapper. Add a futuristic sounding model number, like T5000, and you have yourself the ultimate cold-blooded killing machine.
Of course, people want ruthlessness when it comes to pest extermination. A product that shows mercy has no place in the world of bug control because it suggests it’s okay to let the creatures escape unmaimed. People view pests — roaches, rats and ants — as more than just creepy crawlies. They are intruders in our homes, therefore, they should be dealt with savagely: with fists, not eviction notices. That’s why you’ll never see a tag-line that says “show those termites the door,” or “ever wish there was a way to teach ants manners?” No, they sound more like “murder bugs before they attack you in your sleep.”
The companies that do the extermination for you, like Clark or Scott’s, have names that bring to mind a trustworthy uncle or neighbor—someone who has experience doing this sort of dirty work. If killing bugs yourself makes you feel guilty or squeamish, there’s a nice strong man to do it for you while you cower in the dining room. Mr. Clark is willing to eliminate those icky bugs by any means necessary, while your hands stay clean. Of course, the advertised image of a friendly, clean cut, milk-man with a Ghostbusters photon pack doesn’t appear to mesh well with his actual job as the harbinger of death, but that’s the contradiction people want. Death with a big smile. Just like the cartoonish commercials for Raid that show goofy green bugs scheming to invade the kitchen, only to be foiled by a giant impenetrable fog. They scream “RRAAAIID!” and then explode with a poof, much to the delight of children watching at home.
No one likes bugs in their home, but there are clearly two schools of thought on what to do about it. If you’re cool with death, Terminix and Raid put the power in your hands. If you’re not, The Orkin Man, with his white teeth and clean uniform, will be glad to bill you for it. So to all you pests out there living comfortable lives — your days are numbered. Because, in the words of some of the most zealous exterminators around, the Starship Troopers, “the only good bug is a dead bug.” Happy hunting.
