Hippies with AK-47s: Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

Maui Wowie. Albino Rhino. Cat Piss. Alaskan Thunderf**k.

No, these are not rock bands or energy drinks. They’re the colorfully bizarre names of marijuana strains. And with Proposition 19 on the ballot in the upcoming midterm election, Californians will have the chance to make their state the first place where it is legal to smoke a bowl of Cat Piss.

While the names of marijuana strains are all kinds of crazy, chances are the local, legal dispensary near you has a name much milder than any of its wares.

Advertised in coffee shops, record stores, and in pot-leaf shaped frames on the back page of your free weekly newspaper, you’ve probably noticed that cannabis clubs are popping up like, well, weeds. Some folks might be unsettled when a glorified pot dealer joins the neighborhood – so a name that calms the neighbors while serving patients will take a dispensary far. The Patient Wellness Cooperative, New Age Healing Collective, Simply Chronic Healing, Amsterdam’s Garden, Elemental Wellness. Who could object to a place called Elemental Wellness?! How is it that an establishment with a name as hippie-rific as the New Age Healing Collective can sell a product called AK-47?

The names of strains and dispensaries are actually selling two different things. Whereas pot names want to convince you they’ll turn your brain inside out, the clubs have to sound a bit more Mr. Rogers. Yes, marijuana dispensaries sell marijuana, but first they have to sell legitimacy. Required to be non-profit, dispensaries need to sound like valid medicine clinics if they want to avoid getting raided by the DEA. Cooperatives, collectives and healing centers sound like they’ll fit quietly into the neighborhood. One-Eyed Ronnie’s Sky-High Dank Emporium doesn’t sound nearly as community-friendly.

So until cannabis gets legalized by both state and federal laws, the strange contrast between weed breeds and the shops that sell them will continue. In the meantime, catalog your inspired pot names. No sense in letting all that genius go up in smoke.

Whether you’re looking for hemp business name ideas or naming a nonprofit, let’s talk.