Conspiracy theory: J.D. Power and Associates is way more powerful than we think

I got a really interesting piece of junk mail. No, I didn’t win a chance to win a million dollars. I’m not pre-qualified for a limited-time offer. I wasn’t even entered for a chance to set sail for luxury on a Celebrity cruise. I received a piece of junkmail addressed to me by myself.

It’s a weird feeling seeing your handwriting somewhere you don’t expect. I imagine J.D. Power and Associates’ goal in using my handwriting (which they acquired…how exactly?) was to get my attention–which they clearly have. But now I’m wondering what they were trying to infer by using my own handwriting to mail me something. Here’s what I have so far:

1. J.D. Power and Associates cares so much about my business that they’re willing to rifle through my recycling in order to get a handwriting sample.

2. I unknowingly traveled forward in time, got a job in the mailroom at J.D. Power and Associates, and tried to send myself an urgent warning from the future–hopefully concerning a rocketcar.

3. J.D. Power and Associates is in fact a front for a 1984-style Double Think agency that kidnapped me against my will, injected me full of sodium pentathol and forced me to write a letter to myself containing my picks for 2012 Top Midsize Sedan In Initial Quality. This might explain that hangover a while back.

Either way, I think it’s best for my safety, and the safety of future generations, to dispose of this communiqué without opening it. Given the implications, I doubt I could handle the truth.