Glory Holes, and other terrible names to give your donut shop

Bad names are everywhere. From the corner store to the corner office, people find themselves giving terrible names to the things they love, and no one seems to be able to stop them from doing it.

Well, um, stop it.

We’re tired of seeing neat things with lame names. That’s why we’ve set up an exercise to exorcise your moniker monsters: before you start looking for good names, come up with some ridiculous ones first. This way you’ll get it out of your system and hopefully have a better understanding of what doesn’t work. Besides, a pig doesn’t learn how to find truffles without rutting through a few turds first.

So here’s some really bad names for a donut shop. Follow along, takes notes, and try not to glaze them over.

Glory Holes

Nothing makes a donut-lover salivate like being forced to think about hand-carved portals for anonymous sex. Sure, it’s a pun, but the potential for grossing out and scaring away half your customers outweighs the smirks you’ll get from passersby. Plus, see what happens when you ask for a Bear Claw in a place called The Glory Hole.

Biggest Loser

In reality shows about fat people exercising, losing is actually winning. But in the world of donuts and candy and things filled with cream, being a loser means you’re about to eat something that will remind you of how much you hate yourself. Try not to give your donut place a name that will reinforce your customers’ confidence issues.

Can’t Lardly Wait

The idea that you are in such anticipation of a deep-fried jelly roll that you cannot find a way to pass the time is, for some reason, incredibly disturbing. Please don’t come near me.

Fresh 15

College is the best time of your life. Except for that part in the beginning where you ate only spray-cheese and beer and gained a large baby’s worth of fat around your face. Yeah, don’t remind people of that.

Healthy Donuts

Fresh 15 promises that you will have serious regrets AFTER eating there, but Healthy Donuts promises those regrets will be immediate. People eat donuts for their nutritional benefits just as much as they want a Hummer to be good on gas or Big Macs to be made out of real beef. It’s just not in the recipe.

So what have we learned today? Donuts are bad for you, stay away from bears, and before you’re ready to figure out who you are it might be a good idea to figure out who you aren’t.

Now you’ll have to excuse us. We’re going to Cinnabon.