Energy drinks: why some names buzz, and others just crash

by Jeffery Racheff

Energy drinks have come a long way since the first drowsy adventurer mixed coffee beans and water. Nowadays the concoctions are brewed in endless varieties, and most are jam-packed with sugar, caffeine and exotic magical herbs like taurine and gingko biloba that make them sound like something you’d get from a witch doctor. Their job is to keep you awake, keep you alert and keep you coming back for more. So when a sleepy consumer goes looking for an energy boost, the name that most accurately describes what sort of effect they can expect from the potable will likely win out. This is a big reason why drinks like Red Bull, Monster and Rockstar are successful.

But have some names gone too far?

Simply Cocaine, is a new energy drink from the U.K. that plays off consumer’s desire to push it a little bit further. It’s working. The drink sells out everywhere it goes. But while its name has apparently stirred interest from consumers, lawmakers and advocacy groups have noticed as well. One member of Parliament is trying to get the drink banned because, as he says, it promotes hard-core drug use and trivializes England’s drug problem. But the drink’s manufacturer, Simply Drinks, doesn’t understand the fuss. As they see it, the name is merely a marketing ploy— just “a bit of humor.”

Whether or not Simply Cocaine’s name actually encourages dangerous behavior, you have to admit, there’s some part of you that wants to try it. It’s like that time your parents let you taste non-alcoholic beer and, despite the statistical facts, you could swear it made you feel drunk. Just because it’s called cocaine, it infuses the drink with a bit of danger, and that “shock value” is exactly what many energy drinkers are looking for.

So this got us thinking – what makes a good name for an energy drink? Is it enough to just fill a can with sugar and snake oil and call it “Sugary Snake Oil Surprise”? Or is there a better formula to naming your beverage, and in effect, a smarter way to market your drink to consumers? Here are a few lesser known energy drinks. Some of them buzz, while others crash like your Red Bull flying machine at Flugtag.

Bong Water

Why it crashes – If an energy drink is going to sacrifice flavor in order to give you a better buzz, the name better warn you beforehand. Unfortunately, the only thing Bong Water tells you is you’re not going to get either of those. You don’t have to be a pothead to know that bong water is not for drinking, and even if you did consume it, you’d probably spend the rest of the evening hunched over a toilet bowl. It’s hard to find anything redeeming in naming your product after fouled water. Still, along with other beverages like Kronik and Hemp, Bongwater falls into a growing group of energy drinks that seek to appeal to consumers looking for “higher” thrills.

Mana Energy Potion

Why it buzzes – For gamers and wizards, a full supply of mana ensures you’ll never run out of spell-casting energy. That’s why Mana, the drink, is marketed to players of games like Warcraft and Everquest, as a sort of elixir they can bring along on their adventures of swordplay, heroism and adolescent self-discovery. In other words, the Mana name has found its niche by simply attaching itself to an already proven and successful industry.

Shark Stimulation

Why it crashes – Shark Stimulation suffers from the old “Good Idea-Poor Execution” mistake. Sharks are one of nature’s most ferocious, energy-abundant creatures, yet the drink makers chose a pretty boring word to pair it with. The word “stimulation” isn’t very stimulating. It’s cold and objective, like something a scientist would use to describe love. Besides, it’s fairly easy to completely miss the point this drink’s name is trying to make and, instead, innocently assume they’re referring to some dangerous underwater sex act.

5-Hour Energy

Why it buzzes – Short, simple and straight to the point. With 5-Hour Energy you know what you’re going to get, without all the fancy bravado and mysterious symbolism getting between you and your buzz. This particular brand actually leads the latest trend in jitter technology: “energy shots.”

Deep Throat

Why it crashes – Either they’re referring to the once-mysterious informant who blew the Watergate Scandal or to a notorious pornographic film from the ’70s. Either way, neither of these sounds particularly appetizing or energy inspiring.

Yxaiio Pheromones

Why it crashes – Yxaiio has taken the energy drink to a whole new level. According to its website, the beverage is actually “the first aphrodisiac drink” and is part  of a larger nightlife experience where specially trained “Smell Jockeys” release pheromones onto club-goers via giant fans. These pheromones, we are told, “complete the four-dimensional experience. The spicy liquid pervades the body from within and unites with the external stimuli, tearing down the barriers of civilized restraint.” So not only is the drink unpronounceable, but it apparently sends you on some sort of acid trip that ends in wide-scale civil unrest. This is another product marketed almost as a one-time experiment. And unless it tastes like tropical heaven, that’s exactly what it will be for consumers.

Bawls

Why it crashes – Apparently another drink popular with the gaming crowd, Bawls couldn’t be more in your face about its bottled masculinity. The name sounds like the punchline to every other joke I heard in college, which bodes well for those trying to appeal to young men. So the drink appears to be straight-up bottled testosterone, not only for the rush of energy it supposedly gives you but also because of all the immature ways guys can make fun of each other when they catch a friend drinking Bawls.

Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Asian Experience

Why it crashes – If Steven Seagal was one of the most beloved action heroes of our time, and if he hadn’t developed his current persona as a meditative, pony-tailed pseudo-shaman, the average consumer might not scoff at an energy drink with his face on it. Yet there he is, staring from the bottom of the can with the same look he gave to 20 years worth of karate villains. It’s enough to make you feel like if you don’t taste his Lighting Bolt, he’ll break your arm.