Are you for real?

I have car insurance. I bought it from a man who we’ll call ‘Bill’ in Oakland, because my uncle said he was a swell guy.

Recently I needed Bill’s phone number so I looked him up online. I was greeted with his striking good looks and some strange achievements:

Crystal Excellence Agency
Golden Triangle Agency
Bronze Tablet/Silver Scroll Qualifier
Legion of Honor Agent
President’s Club Life
Million Dollar Round Table Qualifier
Nat’l Convention Qualifier & Sales Achievement Award

I suppose these are meant to impress me, but they did not. They confused me. It’s not clear what these awards are and what they have to do with providing good car insurance. Crystal Excellence sounds like a bag of dollar store plastic gems, and the Legion of Honor might be the secret society a medieval knight joins after years of pruning enemy skulls. When I realized that I gave money to this man, I felt a little weird about it.

So, what are these things? The internet provided little information. Some seem to be vague internal awards that are not publicized by the insurance company. Others are incredibly trivial and shouldn’t exist, or as far as I can tell don’t exist at all.

So why does Bill put these cheap sounding accolades front and center? I’d rather know if he prefers Chips Ahoy or Oreos — that way I’d feel like he’s an actual human being. Because that’s what matters here – presenting yourself as a real person, someone who I can trust.

Bonus: In the spirit of Billy’s lofty achievements it’s time for me to make some awards for myself.

Ben Weis:

Fuzzy Logic Champion
Sleeps During Fireworks Club Life Member
Iron Teacup/Gilded Arugula Qualifier
Kitten Wrangler Supreme
Swivel Chair Monarch
Whipped Cream Astronaut