Anthropologie’s naming scheme to make you wear paisley and take your money.

Anthropologie is a great store. Nothing makes me want to spend 300 bucks on a tank top like seeing them nestled in the mouth of some giant papier-mâché narwhal suspended from the ceiling by human hair crochet. And usually I end up buying some getup that could really only be worn well while canoeing in the 40’s without a vague idea of where my money went. So whatever it is they’re doing, it’s working.

That said, I do have one bone to pick. It’s all fine and good when I’m in the store, but online the spell is totally broken. And why? The names of the clothes are completely ridiculous. Greatest hits from their new “Spirits Like the Sun” summer line: Horkelia Shift, Hypnotic Maxi Dress, Easy Navigation Wide-Legs, and the Lobster Bake Chemise. Hypnotic Maxi Dress? The only thing more nauseating than picturing what hypnotic maxi looks like, is knowing that somewhere, someone is paid to come up with shit like that. I also really enjoy the Easy Navigation Wide-Legs, although I’m sure it’s not for the reasons I’m supposed to.

And to add insult to poetic injury, these irrational mash-ups are deliberately inhibiting the singular joy of internet shopping: finding a better deal somewhere else. By renaming shoes “What-A-Cut-Up Brogues” or “Hybrid Floribunda Sandals” and photographing them at angles that intentionally obscure the labels, they are cutting the real brand out of game and distracting us all from the inevitable truth that Zappos has them cheaper, and shipping ain’t $15.95.

I recognize that this strategy does an excellent job of giving the impression that every well-curated item in their menagerie is a one-shot deal, available only so long as you hurry to click your European size, but what a rotten system. How about a little transparency Anthropologie? A little sportsmanship? In the thankless landscape of e-commerce, devoid of the kind of ambiance that makes high-wasted sailor pants seem like a good idea, all we really have is the thrill of the hunt, and I want Anthropologie to play along. All their lousy names make me want to do is leave their site to look other places for the satisfaction of finding out that Golden Grove Sandals are actually made by Seychelles.

And yeah, they’re cheaper at Zappos.